Kim Jong Key Is Missing

The Latest News Bulletin from CNN

“Concern is mounting in New Zealand over the whereabouts of the country’s leader, Kim Jong Key. The Great Leader has not been seen on television or heard on radio for over two hours. Observers say that his disappearance for such a long period is unprecedented. Speculation is rife that Kim Jong Key may have been the victim of a coup.

Experts suggest that the limited evidence available points to the possible involvement of one of both of his senior colleagues – Joy Stee Ven and Koh Lins Jood.   Both are known to have leadership aspirations, and – unusually for a regime where the news is carefully controlled – Koh Lins Jood’s serious falling-out with The Great Leader recently has been obliquely referred to in new bulletins.

Key’s office, however, says that their only concern is that Kim Jong Key apparently suffers from a rare medical condition that means that – without the stimulus of a television camera trained upon him – he is prone to falling into a coma. “It is essential that we get him to a television studio as soon as possible,” an aide said.

His office has revealed that there had been an unfortunate incident yesterday evening when a camera malfunction meant that an interview Key was giving as he lifted weights at the World’s Strongest Man competition could not be broadcast.  They say it is possible that this triggered the onset of withdrawal symptoms.

Television news broadcasters have acknowledged to overseas colleagues that Key’s absence for a whole two hours has caused them substantial problems. They concede that if the Great Leader’s absence continues into a second day, they will have to re-schedule their programming to take account of much shorter news bulletins. They also hinted that if he remains missing, there is the risk of job losses among camera crews and of some channels closing down altogether.

There is good news for some, though; the Defence Minister has apparently confirmed that if Kim Jong Key’s whereabouts remain unknown, RNZAF pilots will be given extended leave.

It is understood that an emergency Cabinet meeting has been called by Key’s Deputy, Ing Lish Bil, so that Ministers can be advised on how to answer questions and make statements about their portfolios. “Ministers will need some special coaching,” he said, “since most will never have had the experience of dealing with these matters themselves.”

There has been little impact on the stock exchange so far, and inquiries overseas have only just got under way. A White House spokesperson, asked if he knew anything about the whereabouts of Kim Jong Key, said “Who?”

Now, breaking news. The Great Leader has been found. Early reports suggest that he has no recollection of where he has been but does not intend to ask and no one else will be allowed to. He insists that he is “comfortable” with the situation. He does, however, intend to set up an inquiry as to what he was doing during the two hours of his absence. In view of her expertise in answering questions about the whereabouts of ministers, the inquiry will be conducted by former justice minister, Koh Lins Jood, and is expected to report in six months’ time. Kim Jong Key himself is not expected to give evidence.

Meanwhile, the atmosphere in the remote country has returned to normal and the media are pushing the message that, with The Great Leader back at the helm, all is well.

Bryan Gould

16 October 2014